missed connections

Everyone seems to want to know more about Nicki. I suppose it sounds like this fairy tale ready to be fulfilled. I did stop by her parents house a while back. I was home for one of my mothers cancer treatments. I was pretty upset about Lyuda, about my mom, I guess I was pretty much having a midlife crisis...just a few years early.

While I was out riding my bike I got overwhelmed with sorrow. I was riding down old County Line road towards the now closed covered bridge. I started thinking about times Nicki and I would hang out there and read books in the sunshine. Hanging from the steel bridge pieces I'd impress her with my acrobatics. That got me to thinking about her. I remembered how a few times in my life I got really, really sad and called Nicki. That was back in the days of pay phones and numbers scratched on paper somewhere. One such call from Georgia helped snap me out of my funk. Made me get my running going again in hopes that someday I could be the guy who deserved her.

I turned my bike around that day and rode over to her parents. Down the long driveway. I remembered the countless times I'd gone around the wood line to see if her parents were still awake. This time I approached the house the normal way. Out front was Mrs. Keenan. She seemed really happy to see me. We sat for nearly an hour sharing old stories, catching each other up. She seemed amazed at all the places my running had taken me. The surprise about where I was living, where I'd been, and what I'd made of myself was almost insulting. At that point I didn't care. That sort of thing just doesn't matter to me anymore. She showed me all kinds of pictures on the computer of Nicki. I sat in awe looking at the most beautiful woman in the world with two beautiful daughters sitting on her lap. Nicki hadn't changed a bit. I could just tell by looking in her eyes, by seeing the love she poured on her daughters.

Well anyways, Mrs Keenan gave me her phone number. She said Nicki and the kids would be home for Christmas and that I should stop over. It hadn't worked out with Sherwin. He'd turned out to be a complete jerk. I called the number one time. It took me a few months to get in my mind what I wanted to say. Some guy answered the phone. When I asked for Nicki he asked who was calling. In the moments it took him to shake an answer out of me I changed my mind, or lost my nerve... and just hung up.

I suppose at the time I was still married. I was back in that troubled space it seemed I was always in. I didn't want her to see that. I was a bit ashamed I guess. There's all kinds of excuses I probably could come up with. Mostly I just didn't know what to say.



I'm not even sure she'd want to hear from me. I know that feeling exactly. I held Nicki's heart in my hand for so many years. Each and every time I'd let my own troubles or fear get in the way. There's only so many times a woman can go through that. Eventually she has to let go. I understand that. I've actually been through that. The way I was with Nicki runs pretty similar to how Lyuda was with me. I know all too well how at some point you realize you're better off without them in your life. That no matter how deeply you love someone, there's this point where (like I said before) they're drowning you.

I don't believe in soul mates. I think there's a lot of people out there with whom you'd be compatible with. Every once in a while someone comes along who you're not just compatible with, but who raises your game. Nicki inspired me. Even when I was alone or in dark places in my mind, her and Tom were there with me. Calling me back to the real world. Showing me what I could be. I'll find another Nicki someday. Before I do though I need to keep doing the work of self discovery. That way when that person comes along. I'm in a place where I can appreciate it. Where I'll grab hold of it, scream to the world about it, and never let go...no matter what.