Drugs

Well yesterday I revealed a bit of social anxiety. That's something I've had to deal with my entire life. Something I suppose sports gave relief to and became a tool towards gaining acceptance with my peers. Sports are still my most useful way to make friends. I've grown beyond that however. I now actually find I'm most comfortable with friends away from athletics, away from expectations. My anxiety swings between normal and unhealthy. I deal with it.

I received a lot of questions after my last post about drug use. I've never had an interest in such things. That more than a lot of things probably saved me. Set me apart from the group I empathized with. An aversion to drugs was a gift I suppose. That aversion springs from my beliefs. I see the mind as the one and only thing that makes you who you are. Your body, your athletic gifts, etc are just examples of your mind harnessing the tools available to it. The real power, the real self, comes from your brain.

As appetizing as artificially relieving pain sounds, I believe pain to be an important part of living. I heard someone say once that "pain is part of life, suffering is optional". I find that some of my most productive periods are when I'm down. I don't pass the test as having a bipolar disorder but I do suppose I have tendencies in that regard. Those low times connect you to your thoughts, to your body. I can maintain unusually high training loads with an almost meditative ease. During the high times come some of my greatest achievements. Many people with truly bipolar disorders refuse treatment for this same reason. They don't want to live without the highs or the lows. A life in the middle doesn't seem interesting to them.

I suppose violent swings from one to the other are part of the draw of an unpredictable life. That's the way life is supposed to be. We just allow wealth and control of our environment to insulate us from it. I saw drugs in my home and around me my entire life. Even at the age of 6 it just wasn't something I ever had interest in. I don't know where it came from.

Aversion to drugs saved me from a path to prison or death I guess, but it also condemned me a bit to a failure in athletics. I spent a good deal of time at training camps shoving needles in people's asses. Pinching the skin on their stomachs or their backs and giving them subcutaneous goodies. I just didn't have it in me. I know enough about drug use on both ends of the spectrum to put you on the couch in a fog or put you on the podium. I'd rather scream and pout and curse the world for coming in 7th or sit and cry at the world for giving me an unfair childhood than to artificially create an environment for myself.

Lyuda shared this aversion to drugs. I find outlets for my anxiety. I suppose this blog is one of them. Lyuda never quite did find her relief valve. At some level running is a relief but it seems we'd somehow leverage that until expectations and performances became simply another cause for anxiety..another source. Her anxiety was crippling for her. I could see it, and understand it, but it frustrated me to no end not being able to do anything about it.

I still sit around and feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough, that maybe I missed an opportunity here or an opportunity there that would have made some sort of a difference. My level of empathy is something I really love about myself. Sometimes, unfortunately, people can grab hold of one of your best assets to save themselves from drowning, and pull and pull until you feel like you just can't swim anymore. Eventually you just have to let go. Letting go, and watching the thrashing, is the worst thing I probably have ever experienced in my life.